Nostalgic

I am quite the nostalgic person! I remember dates quite well. I like to think “this time last year we were….fill in the blank.” I like to reminisce on thing of the past…most things that is.

Today is one of those days. But today is not one that brings good, happy feelings to my soul. Today would have been my parents 35th wedding anniversary. But sadly, it’s not. Sadly, 13 years ago, my dad left us.

One would think that I would be over it by now, but the truth is, I am not. I honestly don’t think I will ever be. Most days, I don’t think about it. I don’t dwell on it. I don’t ponder it. But today, I am.

I think about how different my life would be. Some good differences. Some bad differences. But…different!

I think about my mom and the pain she went through and how it seemed (I now know it wasn’t) as if it was a piece of cake for my dad to walk out. I think about how my mom went into a deep depression and could barely function. I think about the fact that I had to take over as a “mother” figure at 15 years old. I did the laundry. I cooked the meals (ramen noodles and mac n’ cheese). I made sure my sister did her homework. I think about the fact that my mom had to give up any freedom she had and had to hand it all over to my grandparents as they drove from California to put things back in place as best they could. I think about the year we lived with my grandparents and the torture that was. I think about that year with disgust.

I think about my dad and the guilt he felt/feels. I think about how 3 months after moving out he announced to us that he had a girlfriend. I can still see where I was, what I was wearing and I think about how I felt. I think about meeting his girlfriend and her two daughters and immediately feeling replaced. I remember thinking how great he had it. I remember being insanely jealous of her two daughters because they got to live with my daddy…and they complained. Oh how I wished I could have lived with my daddy too!

I think about the good things too! I think about the fact that I can honestly say I have 3 sisters. I think about all the fun that the 4 of us has had. I think about the love I have for each of them. I think about the fact that I love my step mom and I love the fact that she makes my dad so happy. I love how she takes care of him. I love that he is not alone.

I love my step dad. He is a fantastic man of God that would do anything for my sister or I without hesitation. I think about my 3 step brothers and their families and how I really do love them. I think about my sweet niece who will be 6 tomorrow and how I absolutely adore her and have always felt like her aunt. I think about my sister-in-law Megan who is awesome and never tires of hearing all my stories…especially about my grandma…and always agrees with me!

I think about how full my life is because of these people. I think about how many extra people there are in my life now than there would have been had my parents never split. I think about how many people there are now that will love my daughter…so much!

See…I am always thinking!

That really felt good to get that all out! Thanks for reading!

Until next time,
Sam